


my only sunshine

by firstpynch



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Spoilers, Endgame divergent, Gen, Steve/Tony if you squint, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, Tony misses his son, and I wanna hide him from the Russos to save him pain, basically a 'what if Tony did the test run instead of Clint', i wanna hug him, with a hopeful ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-06
Updated: 2019-09-06
Packaged: 2020-10-11 07:22:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,450
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20542298
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/firstpynch/pseuds/firstpynch
Summary: The thing is, despite what Tony told Pepper (and Steve), he really was prepared to take the ultimate risk.~or, Tony does the test run of the Time GPS and tries to see his purpose again.





	my only sunshine

**Author's Note:**

> I was watching endgame on the flight back from my holiday and noticed the look Tony had on his face when Clint tells him it works, because THAT is the look of a man who just realised he can get his son back. And hence this was born. 
> 
> As usual, not beta'd so all mistakes are my own.

The thing is, despite what Tony told Pepper (and Steve), he really was prepared to take the ultimate risk.

Morgan – oh god, Morgan. She is wonderful, and everything Tony doesn’t think he ever deserved. The first time Tony had held her in his arms, his little girl not bigger than a tiny bundle of flesh with a mop of brown curls and blinking chocolate eyes, he knew he could never love another more than he loves her. Morgan was his purpose, his second chance, the faint flicker of hope the universe granted him after reducing his world to ash. And yet, he also knows this – he loves Morgan with all his heart, but she isn’t his first child.

He may not be the kid’s dad – god knows he doesn’t deserve that – but in those moments of light when the kid would be happily humming to whatever song his ecstatic generation was intrigued by (Peter was the only person Tony let have control over lab music, to Pepper’s amusement), Tony would look at the kid and wish to god he got to have him.

Tony Stark had become immune to pain long ago, didn’t think any pain in the world could overshadow the pain of having the weight of a car battery upon his chest, or facing the infinite void of space, or having his heart broken by the one man he trusted the most. And yet, when he had stared down at the ashes of Peter Parker that were coating his fingers, he knew that there will never be any pain that could top this one.

The pain of losing a child.

Tony had held his little girl in his hands, solid and whole, and had seen his boy being reduced to atoms.

They say parents love their children equally, and that is a myth Tony can get behind.

If Morgan was his repentance, Peter was his lifeline.

And that is why, as he watched Scott nervously suit up for the test run, he knew it had to be him.

“I’ll do it,” he says quickly, hastily stepping in front.

“Tony-“ Steve starts, looking at him with panicked eyes, “it’s too risky.”

“Cap,” Tony says, grabbing his arm desperately. “Steve. I have to do this. Please, let me do this.”

Steve stares at him for a long moment, his unblinking gaze boring deep into Tony’s eyes. Tony remembers then that no one has ever understood him the way Steve does. That was the problem with them, wasn’t it? Complete opposites of each other who could somehow understand each other better than they knew themselves. It meant they couldn’t fit together, however much they wanted to.

He knows Steve sees it in his eyes – the pain, the desperation, the need to see him one more time.

“Tony,” Steve tries again. “You’ll be risking your second chance.”

Tony laughs bitterly. “I’m already doing that just by standing here. But I need to see him, Cap. I’m doing this for him.”

He can see Rhodey’s pitying eyes from his peripheral vision. He also sees support, and understanding, and maybe even a bit of pride. Rhodey has always been his constant, after all. He was there when Tony had called him, panicked because “what was I thinking, Rhodey? I can’t look after a kid” and had heard the unveiled desperation in his voice. He was there when Peter had gotten shot in patrol, had sat by Tony’s side outside the medbay all night, rubbing soft circles on his back as an attempt to sooth Tony as he shook with fear. He had held Tony and wiped his tears away as he sobbed for the child he lost, had offered words of support when they had first found out about Morgan, when he was overcome with fear about inevitability letting another child down. Rhodey was there, always, and Rhodey knew why he had to do this.

Finally, Steve relents. “Okay,” he says, a sad understanding in his eyes. Steve knows loss just like Tony does, after all. “Okay, put on the suit.” The words feel like déjà vu in Tony’s ears, and he cracks a smile that makes Steve grin.

“Go see your kid.”

* * *

When the world stops spinning again, he is standing in the lobby of the Tower.

The Tower doesn’t really exist anymore, not since it got wrecked after Thanos’ minions attacked New York all those years ago. Tony had come back from space with a broken body, a broken heart and a broken home. He didn’t see the need to fix any of them. His body had been broken beyond repair years ago, after all, even if it never gave up on him. His heart had been reduced to ash in front of his very eyes – an irreversible reaction that he thought could never be undone. The Tower, though – it was a physical reminder of everything he lost. He had stood in front of it for what felt like hours, remembering the moment he had spent in it. He had found a family in that place, had found a purpose, had found a place he truly felt like he belonged in.

It was all gone now, though. Reduced to ash.

But not the one he was standing in front of. This one is still white and pristine. The kitchen is still overflowing with baking goods, with flour and icing everywhere (including the ceiling). This was the day of the food fight, Tony realises.

_Peter get down from the ceiling!_

_Get me down yourself, old man. _

_You’re stuck, aren’t you Parker? _

_Yeah can you get the dissolving liquid? _

As he walks past the couch, a ratty red t-shirt catches his eyes. Tony doesn’t need to pick it up to know what it is.

_“Hey Mr Stark!” Peter had said, taking off his hoodie as he deposits himself on the couch. “Guess what? I got a perfect score on my Calculus test. Thanks for helping me study by the way!” _

_Tony knew he should say something, offer the kid some kind of encouragement. He was trying to break the cycle of shame, after all. But his eyes had almost immediately been drawn to the tshirt the kid was wearing. _

_“Are you-“ he said, confused. “Is that..?” Peter follows Tony’s line of sight, and looks almost as shocked to see what he was wearing as Tony was. _

_“This isn’t what it looks like,” Peter said hesitantly. Tony grins. “Really? Because it looks like to me that you’re wearing an Iron Man shirt like the fanboy I always knew you are.” _

_Peter opens and closes his mouth for several minutes, until he eventually deflates. “Don’t get so big headed, old man,” he says finally. “Thor is still my favourite.” _

Tony picks up the tshirt now, cradling it to his face. It still smells like him, he thinks with a jolt. Like that weird perfume Peter started wearing to impress that girl he likes, like the icing powder that spilt all over his top when they were trying to make cupcakes, and like something else that is so inherently _Peter _that Tony can’t stop the tears from flowing freely from his eyes.

_He’s here, _Tony thinks finally. _If I take just a few more steps, he’ll be here. _

The thought jolts him awake, making his legs sprint before he can think twice.

“Peter!” he shouts out, just as his watch begins to bleep. _No,_he thinks. _Please no, not now. _

“Peter!”

“Yeah, Mr Stark?” Peter calls out.

Tony doesn’t get to see him though, because in the next second he is standing back in the Avengers Compound, in a time without his kid.

His legs give way almost immediately, though like lightning Steve is beside there to catch him.

“It worked,” he whispered, his face inches away from Steve’s.

“It worked?” Steve says, a hint of hope laced in his voice.

Tony grins, holding up the tshirt he is still scrunching up in his hands.

And maybe it was the adrenaline, or the joy of hearing Peter again after five years, or the realisation that he can finally get his son back, but when Steve puts his arms around him and hugs him tight, Tony doesn’t protest.

“I heard him,” Tony whispers against Steve’s shoulders. “He was there. I heard him.”

“We’ll get him back,” Steve promises. “We’ll get them all back.”

“What if we can’t?” He had to voice it, has to now that he has remembered what he has to lose. Maybe if he hadn’t heard Peter again, hadn’t been nanoseconds from seeing him again, he could have coped with the loss but he can’t anymore. He needs his kid back.

“We can. Together.”

_Together._


End file.
